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Who's Bill This Time?

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: The following program was taped before an audience of no one.


BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Getting married? Put me on your registry - a nice set of Bill-verware (ph). I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host, a man who wore his best tailored mask just for this show, Peter Sagal.



Thank you, Bill. And thanks as always to our fake audience, which this week is a group of people on Twitter reacting when Bill slices into me to reveal that I am actually a cake. We've got a great show for you today because later on, we're going to be talking to Maria Konnikova. She's a PhD psychologist who went from not knowing how to play poker to winning 300 grand as a player in just one year. We have a lot of questions for her, like what do you do if you hit the ace in the flop with your ace king unsuited from the small blind, but the button re-raises you as if he has the set? - stuff like that.

We're willing to bet you can answer our questions, so give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

SAM BROOKS: Hi, Peter - Sam Brooks from Brunswick, Ga.

SAGAL: Hey, Sam. How are things in Brunswick, Ga.?



SAGAL: Fine. You know, maybe you feel self-conscious, but I don't think anybody in this country can do better than a fine at this point, so you're doing great. What do you do there?

BROOKS: I manage a small coffee shop.

SAGAL: Oh, really?


SAGAL: How's that...


SAGAL: I hate to ask this, but we've seen so many videos of people being obnoxious in coffee shops about wearing a mask. Have you had a problem like that, or is everybody polite and nice, as they tend to be in the South?

BROOKS: People are generally nice. We - a lot of our customers wear masks, and we're always really grateful. We're masked up and sanitizing things regularly, so we're doing the best we can.

SAGAL: I understand. Well, welcome to the show, Sam. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, a comedian and a writer from "The Good Place" and "The Late Late Show With James Corden." It's Demi Adejuyigbe.




SAGAL: Next, it's the writer of the syndicated advice column "Ask Amy." She's the author of two memoirs. It's Amy Dickinson.




SAGAL: And finally, a comedian you can see doing stand-up on Zoom at the Nowhere Comedy Club on Sunday, July 19. Tickets are at nowherecomedyclub.com. It's Alonzo Bodden.



SAGAL: All right, Sam. Welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis, of course, is going to read for you three quotations from the week's news. Your job, of course - correctly identify or explain just two of them. Do that, you'll win our prize - any voice from our show you might choose on your voicemail. You ready to play?


SAGAL: All right, Sam. Here is your first quote.

KURTIS: Science should not stand in the way of this.

SAGAL: That was White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany saying that science - you know, science - should not prevent kids from doing what this fall?

BROOKS: I would guess going to school.

SAGAL: Exactly right...


SAGAL: ...Going to school.


SAGAL: The president is pushing hard for schools to reopen as usual this fall. This is because he says the nation needs a return to normalcy and because he is just desperate to get Don Jr. out of the house and back to kindergarten.

Now, nobody, as far as we know, has asked the kids how they feel about it. Maybe they don't mind staying at home. The home-schooled kids aren't the weirdos anymore, and nobody has to feel embarrassed when they call the teacher mom. This will all change, of course, when sometime in December, parents say, well, kids, I'm afraid it's time for sex ed.

DICKINSON: (Laughter).

BODDEN: Well, first of all, I think Kayleigh plays along with the White House because she's the only one in the administration who joined too late to get a book deal, right? When she's fired, she's just going to be fired, so she got to make the best of this. And as far as the schools, I think he knows the parents will play along. After home-schooling their kids for two months, I think a lot of parents were like, I - just get this kid out of the house. I don't care.


BODDEN: I'll roll the dice. Just send him to school. If teachers want more money, give them more money. Just get the kid out the house.

ADEJUYIGBE: I doubt the kids themselves have any takes on it 'cause it's, like, when I was 8, it's not, like, do you want to go back to school? It's, like, what's on TV? If I'm bored, I'll go back to school. If not, I will sit right here in this spot for the next 40 hours and watch television. I have nothing...

BODDEN: I like the difference in generations listening to you, Demi. When I was 8, I wasn't allowed to have an opinion.

SAGAL: (Laughter).

BODDEN: They dared me to have an opinion. You're 8 years old. You're - we'll give you an opinion, and you'll be happy to take it with you.

ADEJUYIGBE: That's fair.


SAGAL: There is some good news, everybody who's worried about this. A Florida law firm - this is totally true - is offering free living wills to teachers who will be forced to go back to school this fall. Remember the four Rs, kids - reading, writing, rithmetic (ph) and do not resuscitate.

DICKINSON: (Laughter) Oh, God.

SAGAL: Trump really wants kids to go back to school. I mean, yes, it's because he wants to reopen the economy and get reelected, but you have to understand his perspective. When he was a kid, he loved everything about school. He doesn't want today's kids to be robbed of the wonderful experience of paying someone else to take your tests.

DICKINSON: Exactly (laughter).

BODDEN: I just think he thinks it's safe because he's never been in one. He has no idea...

ADEJUYIGBE: (Laughter).

BODDEN: ...What goes on in there. And he's like, well, it looks like a safe place. All the other kids came home OK.

SAGAL: I just want someone to ask him at a press conference or whatever, are you comfortable with your son Barron going back to school, and just to watch him stall while he tries to remember who Barron is.

BODDEN: Exactly.

ADEJUYIGBE: I think if you asked him what school does Barron attend, he would go, he's in college.

SAGAL: Yeah.

ADEJUYIGBE: College, is it?

DICKINSON: (Laughter).

SAGAL: All right, Sam. Your next quote is from Joe Biden.

KURTIS: All bitcoins sent to the address below will be sent back doubled.

SAGAL: That also was a quote from Barack Obama or Bill Gates or Elon Musk or Kanye West, all of whose accounts were hacked on what website?

BROOKS: Twitter.

SAGAL: Twitter.




SAGAL: On Wednesday, some of the most prominent people on Twitter made a very generous offer all at the same time. Just send them a thousand dollars in Bitcoin, and they would send $2,000 back - or, in the case of Elon Musk, $2,000, a doobie and some slander.

DICKINSON: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Now, we should have known it was a scam. No way Joe Biden would know what Bitcoin is. Weirdly, Joe Biden was the only person who both had their account hacked and sent in a thousand dollars to get 2,000 back.

DICKINSON: (Laughter).

ADEJUYIGBE: I'm surprised Joe Biden knows what Twitter is.

DICKINSON: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Yeah.

BODDEN: I'm surprised there's anything crazy enough coming out of Kanye's account to be called a hack.

SAGAL: That's true.

BODDEN: Anything that comes out of Kanye's Twitter, you have to at least partially believe it.

DICKINSON: So I have a real question here...


DICKINSON: ...About Joe Biden. Has he left Delaware at all? Like, he's always doing little events in Delaware. Are they all from his home, or is he...

SAGAL: Well, he...

DICKINSON: ...Getting out?

SAGAL: He has done a lot of events virtually from his home, but he's also gone out to other places in Delaware.

ADEJUYIGBE: Well, there are sightings all over. It's like Bigfoot. No one gets a really good...

SAGAL: (Laughter).

ADEJUYIGBE: ...Clear photo of him. But it's like, it looks like Joe Biden.

DICKINSON: (Laughter).

ADEJUYIGBE: He's tussling someone's hair.

SAGAL: Yeah. There's a strange, fuzzy figure massaging a woman's shoulders - like, might've been him. We don't know.


SAGAL: All right, Sam. Here is your last quote.

KURTIS: We were desperate for some fun - desperate.

SAGAL: That was a woman speaking to The New York Times about why she chose to visit what theme park that reopened this week?

BROOKS: Disneyland.

SAGAL: Not quite - the other one.

BROOKS: World.

SAGAL: Disney World, yes.


SAGAL: It's important to make the distinction. Disneyland is the one in California, while Disney World is the one that will kill you.


SAGAL: So Disney World posted this video bragging about all the safety precautions they were taking as they prepared to open up - all these smiling employees in masks. At least we think they're smiling. Who the hell knows? They could be mouthing the words, save me. They're cleaning everything, and they're - and Disney World is totally serious about making all visitors wear a mask. For example - this is true - if you're not wearing a mask, you will not be allowed to buy a souvenir photo of yourself on the roller coaster. So that'll get everybody in line.


ADEJUYIGBE: Imagine buying a souvenir photo from Splash Mountain, and it's like, I don't know how I was feeling that day.

SAGAL: (Laughter).

ADEJUYIGBE: My mouth is not - you can't see it on...

SAGAL: Yeah. I was somewhat ambivalent about being splashed on a mountain. I don't know how to feel.

BODDEN: I think my favorite news story has been NBA players getting caught sneaking out of Disney World.


BODDEN: Now, there's a story...

SAGAL: This is true.

ADEJUYIGBE: Oh, my God. What?

BODDEN: You would never - there's something you would never expect to hear - NBA players sneaking out at night, trying to escape that hell that we call Disney World (laughter).

SAGAL: As Alonzo mentions, these guys - the NBA is in what's called the bubble. They're all staying at these Disney resort hotels, and they're going to be playing their games at Disney facilities. But I read, Alonzo - and you follow this more closely than I do - that they were sneaking out specifically to go have sex.

BODDEN: Absolutely.

SAGAL: They were like, there are no groupies in this hotel. We must find them.

BODDEN: They're NBA players. And how can they have a lawsuit nine months from now...

SAGAL: (Laughter).

BODDEN: I mean, this is their - normally - this is normally...

DICKINSON: Oh, guys.

BODDEN: ...The off-season. This is their busy time.

SAGAL: (Laughter).

BODDEN: Are you kidding?

DICKINSON: You guys, you're so cynical. Maybe they're sneaking out to check the - those signs outside the rides that say, if you're this tall, you know...

BODDEN: Oh, yeah, Amy. They were checking rides, and they were tall enough to ride them. Yes, they were.

SAGAL: I guess that's true.

DICKINSON: (Laughter).


BODDEN: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Bill, how did Sam do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Sam did so well, he may be on the way to Disney World right now.


KURTIS: All three right.

BROOKS: Yay (ph).

SAGAL: Congratulations. Thanks for playing, Sam.

BROOKS: I love it.


SAGAL: Take care.

(SOUNDBITE OF DAVE BRUBECK'S "HEIGH-HO") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.